Worth More Than Gold

I have had a series of conversations with women recently about the abusive relationships they have found themselves in.  The pain and anguish from these intelligent and caring women has sometimes been too much for me to bear. And it touches even closer to home for me because I was once like them – in an abusive relationship.  

Abuse comes in different forms – emotional, verbal and physical – all forms can kill the heart, soul and self-esteem of a person.  Not to mention the fact that it could end in tragedy for the abused or the abuser or both.  I can speak from my own reality. The abuse makes you feel like less than a person – you become convinced that whatever the abuser wants you to think about yourself is true.  You start cutting off friends and family because “they don’t understand” your relationship or why you would stay. Or you are scared of what they would think if they knew what you endured. All you can see is this person – the abuser - and you are stuck on whatever they have fed you.  In most cases they have convinced you that they are the only person in the world that would ever want you and where you are is the best place for you. And you believe it.

I challenge you to call the abuse for what it is. So often in abusive situations the abused will try to make excuses for the abuser or try to say that it is not abuse.  If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck – it is a duck. And it if it is quacking you NEED to get out.  

In my case, it got dangerously close to ending in tragedy for me, but thankfully I got out.  There are so many women who are not as blessed.  I am emotionally and physically scarred and healing every day, but I am alive and well. And my survival means that I can help others who are in the same situation. I believe that only a strong person could find their way into an abusive relationship and it is that strength that will see them out.  Each of us has worth and value – more than our weight in gold. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. And if they try – run as fast as you can and do not look back. If you are in a situation that feels abusive or you see someone who is in an abusive situation – GET HELP! There are headlines everyday that read “Woman Killed In Domestic Dispute” – you don’t want that to be about you or your friend.  (And FYI – men can be in abusive relationships too.)

There is a rainbow at the end of your storm.  There is a way out no matter how bleak it seems. I know because I am dancing in the rainbow now. Come and join me! Get out while you can. When you look back you will see that it wasn’t for you and when you look forward you will see that your future is bright. You are more valuable than gold – don’t ever forget it.

~ ~

If you need a place to go for help check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline site: http://www.thehotline.org/

Or email me: blackwellk23@gmail.com

Selling Reality

A few weeks ago I was outside of my friend’s house waiting in my car.  I got out of the car to get something out of the trunk and another car stopped in the middle of the street, the window rolled down and a man leaned out of the window. He said “Excuse me but, you are so fine.”  I smiled and said “thank you”. And he asked me for my number. I said, “I am sorry, I have a boyfriend.”  He said, “that is fine, we can just f$#k”.  Insert *blank stare*. I turned down his gracious offer and got back into my car - quickly.

But this indecent proposal got me thinking – why can’t everyone be so forward with what they expect in their relationships? You may think that this is a stretch from that short conversation, but let’s be for real for a second here.  The gentleman stated his purpose and his goal, there was no confusion about what his intent was and when he found out that it was not going to be met we both moved on.  Wouldn’t it be fabulous if all adult relationships ran in the same vein?   

Think about it, if two adults who meet and are considering some type of relationship interaction were truly honest about what was happening there would be less hurt feelings and baggage out there.   When we meet someone there is this urge to sell a dream to the other person.  “Look at me, I am available and friendly and nice and we could have a great future together.”  But what is it that we really want? If your goal is to pick up a steady mate or even get married, fine. But what if it isn’t? Do you sell a dream that eventually turns in to a nightmare because the other person thought what you sold would be the reality? 

I think that in this new dating year we should stop selling the dream and work on reality. I am not telling you to stop every cute person you see and proposition them – that’s just creepy. (Even though I am sure that it works sometimes for the gentleman that stopped me, but that just proves my point.)  I am saying be real in your intentions when you are dealing with someone. In the long run, you will be happier for it. Who’s with me?

Lesson 1: To Thine Own Self Be True

The last time I was on an airplane I remember having an “a ha” moment while the flight attendant was running through the emergency procedures. If you haven’t been on an airplane before – if the plane were to crash, there are air masks that would fall from the ceiling in front of you for you to wear and get oxygen. According to the directions, you are supposed to put yours on first and then help your neighbor.  I remember thinking “that’s a novel idea. Help yourself FIRST. Huh”.

Too often we compromise ourselves for whomever or whatever. Significant others, jobs, family, friends all take precedent – we help them with their “oxygen mask” first before putting on our own.  All the while we are wondering why we are suffocating.

One of my favorite Shakespearean plays is “Hamlet”. And one of my favorite quotes from that play is Polonius’ farewell to his son Laertes: “To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.”  This means:

- If you are true to yourself in all things, there is no way you can be false to anyone. 

- You are the realest you when you are true to yourself first.  

- You can be better to other people when you are best to yourself. 

So a word of wisdom to you: Put on your oxygen mask first and then find out what the hell the rest of the world wants.  

“Farewell, my blessing season on thee!”

Oxytocin and Other Bad Decisions

This is a post for all of my women friends out there. 

So I was recently having a conversation with my mother, who likes to give advice, good, bad and ugly.  She was warning me to be careful with the men I sleep with in my newfound singleness because “we women have a hormone that makes us want to connect ourselves to guys that are not for us.”  Her words exactly.  I shook my head and said “no way” and she said “look it up before you sleep with some creep and attach yourself to him forever.” 

Notwithstanding that my mother feels the need to lecture me on the sex that I will have or that her concern was not that I use condoms, I felt the need to look up what she was talking about. Lo and behold, I found out a lot about the hormone Oxytocin.  It is the hormone that is released when we orgasm (both men and women) and when women have breast stimulation.  It is the hormone that attaches a woman to a male and makes us think we have found “The One” after sex.  Well, good sex anyway.  It is also the hormone that bonds a mother to a child. The article that I found pointed out that estrogen increases the hormones effects in women while the testosterone tends to mute it in men.  Explaining why a man can sleep with whomever and not feel a single bit of attachment but when a woman sleeps with a man she is ready to pick out china patterns.

So what does that tell us?

- Men are the animals we thought they were (just kidding…. Not really. Lol)

- If a woman thinks a man is a creep BEFORE they sleep together, he will probably still be a creep AFTER sleeping with him.

- This hormone was designed to keep the population going but instead has kept women in bad relationships with great sex for centuries. 

What have we learned?

-        -  Pay attention to your instincts.  If the guy is creepy or is a jerk, maybe you shouldn’t sleep with him in the first place.

-        -  If you do sleep with the guy who is creepy or is a jerk, keep in mind that you have this hormone that could make you see him through “rose colored lenses”.

-        -  If you sleep with the jerk, feel like he is “The One” and try to justify his “jerkiness” as quirky behavior - run quickly to your nearest friend. Ask him/her to slap you and move on.

So before you head out to Happy Hour tonight, keep in mind Oxytocin is a hell of a hormone. Don’t be a victim.  LOL

Oxytocin Article can be found at: http://www.savvymiss.com/love-advice/love-relationship-advice/love-and-relationships-archive/article/oxytocin-how-a-little-known-hormone-could-be-affecting-your-relationship-4326.html

It's A Wonderful Life

The past couple of years have been years of change and upheaval for me and my kids.  I am a single divorced mom who works hard to make sure that my kids have everything they need and most of what they want. Life isn’t an uphill struggle but it ain’t easy either. 

Over the past few days I have been thinking about how my ex husband’s involvement in our kid’s lives is unfair. He gets to swoop in and be super dad when he wants to, take vacations when he wants to, cancel on evenings or weekends when he wants to and until recently pay child support when he wanted to and I am left filling in the blanks.  I am not claiming to be super mom and I don’t begrudge any of my time with my children. I love them more than life itself. It just grates on me that he is allowed these freedoms and allowed to be absent from their lives. And I know my story isn’t the only one that sounds like this. There are thousands of women and men that can claim this as their story. 

Tonight I was reminded why I made the decision to be the “full custodial parent” regardless of who he decides to be for them.  With my son, trying on his new footie pajamas as he screamed “they are air tight!” and my daughter climbing all over my sister proclaiming to be “Super Manny” both with smiles. Happy. Safe. Blessed. And finally at home and at peace. I realized in that moment, it truly is a wonderful life …